I hate being pressured into doing something. HATE it.

I don't like dinners out at places I have no control over. I have issues, I have food control issues and dinners out are always a... threat.

So yes, I might go but I will hate you for it. You. The pusher.

Over a month, man I need to get better at this.

http://the8colorsoffitness.com/book/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=48&Itemid=51

Awesome quiz! I am a blue workout, especially the singing to myself. And I love my routines at the gym. if it worked before then it will work again.

Sorry for the lack of posting, have I written that I am going through this counselling thing? Well I am and sometimes I can feel really happy then I will feel totally down and low and have a lack of will to live.

Oh, I'm going to update the tab things on blogs I like, I have discovered how to do this.


Also started a blog for the caledonian challenge team through work... it's my other blog i manage on here, i will put up the link and the link to donate to us, we need to raise £3000 in 8 weeks!

Yikes! Okay, going to go and update so that if you visit my blog you can at least see that I am reading lots, and i am trying to write down what is bothering me. The Internet will be my therapist until I get my own.

there is no after

That is what I have learned since this summer. I worked and worked and worked to get to my goal by the wedding of my cousin last summer and felt amazing the 2 weeks. Came back to Scotland and seemed to fall apart, ran a half marathon, got injured, lost the weight i put on, then went nutso. again. Now I'm battling back down but that drive I used to assume would always be there is gone.

I think the drive was never there, i just did it, and somehow have fallen out of the habit. It was what I did, 30 minutes at the gym 5 nights a week. Now I get there and nothing interests me. I wander from machine to machine with no purpose.

This week I plan to go to the gym 3 times for cardio. Tonight, Thursday, Friday. Monday and Wednesday are runs at lunch with class in the evening. I hope by writing this goal down I will followthrough......

At some point I will make peace with the fat girl inside, but right now we are at loggerheads. She wants to sit and mooch in front of the tv, and fitme wants to get back into the jeans I bought last summer. With no muffin top.

I'll go into the downward spiral of November-February later.

I have to start getting the crazy out of my head and put it somewhere.

i think I'll try here again.

bbc is full of interesting facts

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7530345.stm


interesting.

even when i try to separate from the old, it is always there

Today I ran a 10k in 46:15! that is 3:47 faster than my time in may! I've just begun this journal, as a way to documant i suppose my life after losing the weight.... i'm so close to the goals I can taste them, and in many ways I have made it to where I want to be.... I have a good job and a good flat and amazing friends.... I am actually dating people... I don't know if I will write a post eventually about me and the last 2 years and 3 months of my life. I feel separated from my former self, no longer connected with the girl who was funny and happy on the outside but loathed herself so much it took finding my best friends at uni for me to even contemplate going out.

I still deal with the issue of self worth and whether i deserve to be happy/successful/loved. I worked so hard to get here and work everyday to stay here.....

Trying to accept the person I am now is hard work, and that is why i get all freaked out when my friends voice their opinions on my weight loss. Last week my mate K said he was concerned....

concerned about what? I am not a stick, i am the healthiest i have ever been and challenge myself. i want to be a certain size, for myself. that takes work and discipline and if that means not drinking or eating certain foods as much as i would like to (chocolate) well I do that. i am not sick, i am not crazy, i am not going too far. i have people in my life whose job it is to tell me if i become obsessed and pull me back. my pt has had to stop me from spending 2 hours at the gym because i was actually driving myself insane.

random

I meant to start writing here, but uhhhhhh, my livejournal is just more comfortable still.

Wanting the separate from it as it is all tied up with the crazy thoughts on losing weight and being close to goal and all the neurotic shite.

Everyone must feel like they are going out of their minds sometimes.... right?

briefly:
I have a cold, yuck
Running a 10k tomorrow, not feeling my best!
date tomorrow evening. can he please suggest we do something? I don't want to.... but I also don't want to just stay in, even though i think my body craves bed
going home in a week, wanted to be 11stone even.... that might not happen if i can't work out. but if i go on a soup diet, it might as i feel thirsty all the time right now.

generally just run down.