happy July!

I am determined to move home and not let it affect my lifestyle. in 8 weeks I will be returning to the US, and I am scared shitless. No place to live (besides the house that crazy built) and no job, no university place (yet!) and I am in a total panic. My response? Fuck up my eating so I have to concentrate on that instead of the big problem.... getting me and all my shit back to Haverhill/Boston. eeeekkkkkk.

list of stuff to do_
start sending clothes/books/crap home
charity shops/friends for the other items
find my academic portfolio.....
add up my practice time and fill in the application for transfer credit
find a place to live, but first find a job!
ask my parents to lend me money to move into said accommodation.

above all, try not to freak out

coffee!

coffee! It's my drink.

http://calorielab.com/news/2009/05/24/coffee-for-good-health/

see????? So the fact that I am drinking 2-3 cups a day now is fine. The diet cola this weekend screwed with my system. I'm drinking coffee from now on.

I keep meaning to blog, but there is always a reason why I don't. This is a symptom in my life in general at the moment. I SHOULD have finished applying to university, but haven't. I SHOULD start looking for a job back in Boston. I SHOULD budget better.

And I've been waiting for months to get a councelor, and now that I have an appointment, i'm thinking do i need one? I just want to talk to someone about everything, and while I feel better, I'm still not dealing with anything.

And I'm screwing with my lifestyle (keeping the same 7 pounds on from december!) so I can focus on that and my 'bad' food choices instead of what is really bothering me. I started this blog to help me with this, at least if I tell the internet it's no longer a secret. the oat biscuits I ate, the slightly larger portion of cereal this morning, the fact that I have semi skimmed milk instead of skimmed..... all these things i obsess over to avoid the looming issues.

I'm moving back to America. I need to finish my degree. My mother has gone ahead with the weight loss surgery. My family is growing up and apart and I feel totally disconnected. and my granmother has just been diagnosed with cancer. 2 types. the grandpa can't be left alone, so my mother is going to move in with them...... what?????? She hates my grandmother. and is never around. am i allowed to have an opinion? This could be so bad. SO bad. my mother can't clean our house, is she going to do it at theirs? Really???? Really? I want to talk to my aunt but they are still in bed! Damn you time difference.

I'm just putting it up.

people who think they are going crazy are not going crazy.

So i know I am not crazy when I wake up at 2am and go eat toast. with jam. eat something, like a handful of cereal. why??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I do not want the food, i definitely do not NEED the calories, and I feel orrible in the morning with guilt and shame and it's totally sabotaging all the work I do in the gym and during the day. I say no no no to carbs after 4, feel guilty for eating fruit after 4. Haven't had carrots in ages, seem to swing from super healthy to binging on fucking prunes. I am losing the plot. and i don't like how i look, i have put on 2 INCHES around my waist WTF??????

I'm struggling for the positives here. help.

I hate being pressured into doing something. HATE it.

I don't like dinners out at places I have no control over. I have issues, I have food control issues and dinners out are always a... threat.

So yes, I might go but I will hate you for it. You. The pusher.

Over a month, man I need to get better at this.

http://the8colorsoffitness.com/book/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=48&Itemid=51

Awesome quiz! I am a blue workout, especially the singing to myself. And I love my routines at the gym. if it worked before then it will work again.

Sorry for the lack of posting, have I written that I am going through this counselling thing? Well I am and sometimes I can feel really happy then I will feel totally down and low and have a lack of will to live.

Oh, I'm going to update the tab things on blogs I like, I have discovered how to do this.


Also started a blog for the caledonian challenge team through work... it's my other blog i manage on here, i will put up the link and the link to donate to us, we need to raise £3000 in 8 weeks!

Yikes! Okay, going to go and update so that if you visit my blog you can at least see that I am reading lots, and i am trying to write down what is bothering me. The Internet will be my therapist until I get my own.

there is no after

That is what I have learned since this summer. I worked and worked and worked to get to my goal by the wedding of my cousin last summer and felt amazing the 2 weeks. Came back to Scotland and seemed to fall apart, ran a half marathon, got injured, lost the weight i put on, then went nutso. again. Now I'm battling back down but that drive I used to assume would always be there is gone.

I think the drive was never there, i just did it, and somehow have fallen out of the habit. It was what I did, 30 minutes at the gym 5 nights a week. Now I get there and nothing interests me. I wander from machine to machine with no purpose.

This week I plan to go to the gym 3 times for cardio. Tonight, Thursday, Friday. Monday and Wednesday are runs at lunch with class in the evening. I hope by writing this goal down I will followthrough......

At some point I will make peace with the fat girl inside, but right now we are at loggerheads. She wants to sit and mooch in front of the tv, and fitme wants to get back into the jeans I bought last summer. With no muffin top.

I'll go into the downward spiral of November-February later.